Archive for June, 2011

I am soooo excited to see this tommorow! So, I’m not actually going to see this movie with my hubby, but I thought for those who do have significant others or even a first date…this movie would be ABSOLUTELY perfect to watch.

Why?

Because most movies leave you with very little to talk about after. You leave the movie possibly recalling funny one-liners, or ‘ Oh my GOODNESS. The bridesmaid going number 2 in the sink and the bride going number 2 in the middle of the road in a wedding dress (can you guess which movie?!!) was tooo much. I felt so grossed out to the point that it wasn’t funny anymore.’ A few laughs here, a few comments on great scenes… Then the conversation is pretty much over.

The GREAT thing about this movie, is that I really think it will lend to an amazing conversation where you will actually get to know the other person, not just what they thought of the movie. Or rather, what they think about the movie will reveal what they think about life. It will reveal a lot of the internal landscape. I’m talking values, priorities and such. I highly recommend bringing this kind of intellectual intimacy early on. It’s much easier to “connect” when you find yourselves agreeing about life values. You’ll have that much more information gathered from the date to help you see if you want to go on another… and another… and another.

Who knows? Talking about this movie over a nice dinner might even open the door to ask some of these questions.

Anyhow, congratulations to my friend Teresa. Tommorow marks 60 days being cigarette free! Yay! I challenged her to this benchmark and promised her a day of all fun an no worries- I will introduce her to the best coffee I’ve tried in Seattle, then we’ll go on a bike ride. After we’ve worked up an appetite, we’ll head to a great Chinese restaurant (her favorite cuisine) and then go and watch the documentary. Here it is!

Want to know more?

Here’s Tom’s story as told on Oprah, pretty cool!

Dating Advice From A Girl

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This looks like a great idea!

CafeSpark Promo Video from Angry Ostrich Productions on Vimeo.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Some recent premarital counseling auctions on eBay:

Manual for Group Premarital Counseling – Lyle Gangsei

390282874222 0 Manual for Group Premarital Counseling   Lyle Gangsei US .00
End Date: Tuesday Jun-21-2011 18:25:42 PDT
Buy It Now for only: US .00
Buy it now | Add to watch list

NEW Premarital and Remarital Counseling – Stahmann, Rob

400158732630 0 Manual for Group Premarital Counseling   Lyle Gangsei US .12
End Date: Saturday Jun-25-2011 4:49:50 PDT
Buy It Now for only: US .12
Buy it now | Add to watch list

PREMARITAL COUNSELING 1958 – Books

120272306046 0 Manual for Group Premarital Counseling   Lyle Gangsei US .95
End Date: Monday Jun-27-2011 10:47:33 PDT
Buy It Now for only: US .95
Buy it now | Add to watch list


Simplify Marriage

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I love Patti’s show, Millionaire Matchmaker!

She offers some very traditional advice (no cohabitating before marriage, no sex until in an exclusive relationship… etc) but has the attitude that makes people take notice and listen. Just a few teasers from her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate

(skip to 1:58 if you wanna get to the good stuff)

1. Thou shalt return calls promptly and honor thy dating commitments

    Love it! I understand the appeal of wanting to play hard to get, but that’s not the same as being flighty and unreliable. You want to show you are responsible, have integrity and take your appointments and the people in your life seriously. When you show up when you say you’re going to show up, at the time you agreed to, you show that you’re not selfish about other people’s time. Selfishness or selflessness is revealed in the small things like honoring your commitments and being responsible about returning calls. Don’t be a flake!

2. Thou shalt let the man take the lead and shalt avoid bringing personal baggage

to the table

    Amen! The ideal picture of coupledom happens when a man leads and a woman lets a man lead. When he pursues, he feels like a man. He feels like he’s earning and winning and competing and conquering uncharted territory, all things a man loves to do. When a woman throws herself at a man, he feels weird in that role. Flattered? Yes. I’ve talked to men who get pursued by women… and it kinda makes them feel like they’ve been put in an effeminate role. They’re feeling flattered… and a little less of a man as you’ve beat them to the goal and stolen their role of pursuer.

    On the other side, women who allow men to lead also feel desirable, wanted, beautiful, sexy, attractive. If on the other hand she does all the leading and pursing, she feels unsure of his feelings, questions if he’s with her just cuz she made it easy… and the truth is… she’ll never have a clear answer for these insecurities lurking around in her mind, just because she took the reigns and pursued the guy to begin with. All this insecurity she’s building up causes her to lose what is most attractive in a woman: CONFIDENCE.

    As far as the personal baggage? Ehhh… you gotta exude the happiest, most wonderful version of yourself! Dates are not therapy sessions! They are not somber chats on the sofa with your best friend and ben and jerry. You are in competition with all the other women vying for his attention. You don’t want your date to punish you by puking up sordid details of his past. Here, we practice the golden rule.

3. Thou shalt not drink too much on the first date

    This is not the time for him to find out if you are an angry drunk, a sleepy drunk, a depressed drunk, or a horny, get-on-the-table-and-show-your-goods kinda drunk. He doesn’t want to get to know your drinking personality. He just wants to get to know you. And visa versa. How will you be a good judge of character and personality and values if you don’t even remember the evening? How will you wow him with your best self if you let alcohol do the talking for you?

4. Thou shalt not be a golddigger

    A man can tell if your primary goal is a love of money instead of a desire for love and companionship. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with a man who has a steady, well-paying job, especially if you want to have a family in the future and envision yourself more as the nurturer and with the role of stay-at-home mom. Just make sure your priority is love over money. When you’re a gold digger, you can’t hide your colors. Sooner or later, he’ll see that he’s just a dollar sign to you.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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I’m not trying to go back to “The Rules.”(All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right)

Never even read the book, but I know that many people think its principles are archaic. This article is about SEX.

It’s about the feeling you get when you have sex too early on and something deep inside you knows that because of this, you blew it.

Is that feeling, just a feeling?

Or does having sex too early on give men little reason to continue pursuing you?

I’d like to argue that it does.

Of course, Hollywood would like to argue the opposite.

Take these two movies with the same premise: If you give him sex first he will want you more!!!

No Strings Attached (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo + Digital Copy)

On the contrary, they do make the case that sex isn’t just a physical act. Emotions always come into play. But in both the movies, neither of the women wanted to be in a committed relationship. The appeal wasn’t that they gave sex first. The appeal was that they had the whole “independent” thing going for them. The “I don’t need a man to be happy but I like sex,” appeal.

Ladies, if you want only sex and nothing else, that’s one thing. But most women crave the emotional, romance thing too.

Ladies, if your goal is to have a one night stand and you never want to see this guy again, and you never want him to build respect for you (a prerequisite of love), then don’t withhold sex.

But ladies, if your goal is to gain a man’s respect, admiration, adoration, love… if your goal is to be in a committed relationship or even marriage, holding off on sex will help you get there.

There’s something about having sex too early that kills relationship longevity or even stops relationships from being created.

I heard this quote from a fitness magazine and think it applies even to sex!

“Don’t trade what you want most for what you want at this moment”

or… don’t trade what you want most (real love, commitment, a man who loves and respects you) for what you want at this moment (to feel pleasure, to feel desirable and sexy).

Men are hard-wired to believe that the best things in life are worth the wait.

You give it to him too soon? He subconsciously starts thinking If there is no waiting time, it must mean this isn’t the best. I’ll hold out for something (someone) else better.

Take it from this girl’s simple but profound poem:

I met him. I liked him.
I liked him. I loved him.
I loved him. I let him.
I let him. I lost him.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Yesterday my coworker texted me, “I saw you on tv! at some girl’s wedding proposal”

Yup, my best friend’s! We even have pet names; we call each other “wifey.”

Awww, now my wifey is going to have a hubby! Lynne, I’m so excited for you guys! They are such a gorgeous couple!

Omg,

Guys, I have to say, this whole wedding proposal thing is your time to shine! For the most part, the girl likes to plan all the wedding details, so your big moment is choosing the ring and choosing how to propose!

Every woman that your fiancee is going to announce the whole “I’m enaged!” announcement to is going to ask the next obvious question:

“How did he propose?!” (and lets see the ring!)

And gentlemen, this is where your woman gets to get all bragadocious about how you popped the question. So, take some real time to think about how you want to make it special, and then, make a plan!

Ramon has been planning this amazing wedding proposal since February and it happened mid June! He even got the local cable station involved! Ramon planned a “Flash Mob” proposal! It was on the 10 o clock news!

Lynne was first suprised cuz she had never seen a flash mob before… she was like “Look baby, a flash mob!” Little did she know that her fiance to be coordinated the entire thing. Then, he jumps in towards the end and the entire flash mob surrounds her!

Here it is: (you can skip to about 4:00 if you want to get to the part where Ramon jumps in)

I love you guys! Congratulations!

omg, they are the funnest couple ever. Check out their Jersey Shores Halloween!

Dating Advice From A Girl

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One thing I have learned from living on a farm is that you are not really experiencing diversity unless you are also experiencing repulsion.

We each have lots of assumptions about what is right and wrong, how the world works, how people should act in a civilized community. When faced with true diversity – that is, diversity of experience — we have to allow our assumptions to be challenged. It's hard to not feel some repulsion for the person who challenges our core assumptions.

But it's clear to me that diversity in the workplace is difficult to achieve because we must ask so much of ourselves in order to achieve it. We must allow ourselves to experience repulsion and keep an open mind while doing that.

And now, I will write about cats; specifically, the 150 comments people left on my last post about why I killed my cat. Last week I thought I was not really writing about cats because I was writing about dead cats. And anyway, really I was writing about the moral problem of paid links. But in fact, I still have the problem that I now find myself doing the very worst, low level, terrible job on the internet: writing content about cats.

In the business world, cats are the topic-non-grata. If I go into an investor meeting to discuss business models for online content, it takes only about five minutes before I hear, “I just don’t want to see posts about cats.”

But I think we can all be better at thinking in diverse ways, in diverse environments, if I indulge in one more post about cats. So here I go.

1. Don't shield yourself from complex thinking. If you think killing my cat was absolutely, hands down a terrible decision, then you probably don’t have the same moral code I do. So maybe you should just stop reading my blog, but probably you should  just not let me take care of your cat. Listening to people who have ideas that are patently different from your own make you think harder. (This is why I read publications like Al-Jazeera and Car & Driver.)

2. Diverse ways of thinking can co-exist only rarely. With an open mind.
Hard-core questions of morality have no right answer. Can a mother kill someone to feed her child? Can a mother kill one child to save another? Have you never heard these questions from college Ethics 101? These are real issues, and behavioral economist Dan Ariely, author of the book Predictably Irrational, shows that how we answer these questions has more to do with how we are born—how we were hard-wired to see the world—than what is objectively right and wrong. Some people will say killing is wrong, so you can't kill anything ever. Other people will see this moment as an exception.

This New Yorker cartoon hits the spot because the intersection of humans and animals is fraught with complex moral systems:

Often there is no right answer – for cats, children or meat-counter decisions –  but you challenge yourself more in life if you open your life up to people who are wired differently than you are, without trying to squash those differences.

3. Understanding moral context requires placing oneself in unfamiliar situations. Hey, all you cat commenters, have you lived on a farm? Do you understand the problems with farm cats? Do you understand there is a moral question of whether we should even feed babies who are born in the dead of winter? (We feed them.) Do you understand that most cats cannot be spayed because they can't be caught?

Our favorite goat broke his leg. The Farmer wanted to slaughter him for meat. He is a little young, but the farm is a business, and financially it makes more sense to take the meat while we can than to bet on that the goat will return to good health. We have a lot of goats, and if they were all pets, we could not afford to feed them. So goat decisions on our farm are often business decisions.

But because our farm is a mix of city people and country people — people with vastly different sets of experiences — moral decisions are often more complex on our farm than other farms. In the end, Melissa decided she wanted to treat the goat as a pet. She loves the goat. So she took responsibility for nursing him back to health. The odds were not good, and the splint is made of two nail files, but she was devoted. And slept with him in the barn.

3. Real diversity is personally challenging. Here are things I thought were patently wrong before I lived on the farm: Drowning cats. Shooting possums. Peeing on the front lawn. Feeding sub-par food to animals. Confining animals in labor. Branding cattle. Notching an animal’s ear. I could go on forever.

Whole Foods has a five-tiered program to let customers know where their animal products comes from. There are five hoops farmers can jump through to get rated by Whole Foods. The Farmer – my farmer – absolutely loves his animals and he will spend all night in a rain storm to keep one alive for one more day. But he doesn’t even meet the first standard—the bottom rung—with Whole Foods.

Now that I live on a farm, I see both sides of everything. People are not morally depraved. They are living in the context of their own community. We all grow a lot more personally by trying to understand people rather than judging them.

It's no easy task, though. I know this myself, because I still hate cat people.

Sorry but it’s the truth. People who treat animals like humans are people who cannot cope with complexities of human relationships. People who think their cat gives them what they need for companionship are probably right, because they are so underdeveloped emotionally. I am not alone in my thinking. Here is a great parody of a dating video as the perfect illustration of my point:

 

Penelope Trunk

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When a man cohabitates, marriage becomes the LAST thing on his mind. Have you ever noticed they don’t make “Grooms” magazines for men? Or as my friend puts it, “Weddings are a woman’s sport.” It’s cuz, already… a wedding is not something a man dreams of…ever.

He probably envisions having a woman by his side…
having a great sex life…
maybe even becoming a father…

ALL of which can be done SANS a wedding. SANS marriage.

Or as Patti puts it in the clip below, “When they have the rent for free… they’re not going to buy the house.”

Ellen disagrees… but that’s because she’s in a relationship with a woman! She’s not dealing with the male species, the gender that does NOT have marriage on the brain. She is sooo funny! At the end she’s like “You heterosexuals are weird.” So true. We are.

I’m not saying that if you cohabitate you will never get married. I’m just saying that it will be an uphill battle at least, and a long long long time waiting at most. I have a girlfriend who waited 5-6 years, and the proposal didn’t come until after several conversations that ended in tears. Do you want to cry yourself to a ring? Do you want tears and guilt to be his motivation?

Another girlfriend is 3-4 years in and still waiting. And I know there are countless others trying to wait patiently and wondering, wondering if he will ever pop the question.

All of this unnecessary waiting can be avoided if you DONT LIVE TOGETHER.

But you rationalize… It’s inconvenient to NOT live together.

Let him figure it out! Let that be his problem! Inconvenience forces him to think seriously about where he wants this to go or if he wants it to go anywhere at all… You’re at his place one day, your place the next. You live in different suburbs… Let the inconvenience of being apart from you make him see that he wants to be with you forever… or at least get him to start thinking in that direction.

If you eliminate that middle ground, that relationship limbo that is “living together,” he will either get serious about marriage or back out.

Better now than 10 years later…

As is the case of my husband’s former girlfriend.

They dated for 10 years (all of her 20s) and lived together. He was waiting for that “feeling” that she was the one… and he never got that confirmation.

My guess is that if she hadn’t lived with him, they would have broken up waaaayyy sooner and she wouldn’t have had to wait 10 years and wasted her entire 20s all for nothing.

I know it takes two to make this terrible decision, but all I’m saying is that the male population has no desire to race to matrimony.

It’s up to women to say, “If you want the benefits of living with me, you have to give me forever.”

Your actions will speak this message if you don’t cohabitate before marriage.

Even BETTER, don’t give the “milk” for free either!

BTW, I’m kinda curious of Patti’s movie! Patti Stanger: Married in a Year

Dating Advice From A Girl

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But this is a relationship advice site, you’re wondering…

True, true.

Your career matters just because in any given day, you will spend more time at your job than with your significant other, or doing anything else, really!

And something that takes up so much of your time (not to mention energy) has an effect on your relationships. If your job makes you happy and gives your day meaning, that positive energy has a way of profoundly effecting your love life.

On the other hand, if your job is mindless, and you know you could be doing something more…
or so stressful that you dread daily stepping into your office…
or just simply NOT what you truly want to be doing with your life…

that negative energy will also affect your relationships.

My husband loves his job. He gets to build things every day. He built the Bellevue Towers! (pictured above) He’s also built the Federal Reserve in Washington, the most advanced water treatment facility in the world, and right now he is building a Cancer Research Center. I’m kinda gushing about him, I know. Can you tell he’s my hero?!

I asked him what he liked about his job and this is what he mentioned:

  • being challenged everyday
  • seeing the finished product
  • using math in his job
  • the fact that he starts and
    finishes a project and goes onto something
    new so things are constantly changing
  • working with his hands

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING more freeing and more wonderful than being married to a man who loves what he does for a living. He inspires me. He makes me believe in my dreams as he’s already fulfilled many of his dreams. He makes me believe anything is possible.

And because he spends the majority of his day doing something he loves, he’s a content, happy man.

That’s the best part.

Growing up in a strict Asian household, all I ever heard was “Be a nurse. Be a teacher. Be a lawyer. Be a doctor.” God bless my parents; they were amazing. But my mom’s sister chose her career, and my dad chose a career that involved little risk so he could be confident that he would be able to support us.

Nate’s mom told him something different: “Do something you enjoy, and pay your bills.” I’m thinking we are going to use that model for our kids.

A massage therapist once told me “Do what you love, and the money will follow.” I believe in this. I truly do.

So if your path doesn’t look “typical,” who cares?! This is your life. This is your happiness on the line. It will affect your relationships, I guarantee it. If nobody before you has gone down the path you’ve envisioned for yourself… be brazen. Be BOLD.

Look at Taylor Swift. One of the first singer/songwriters, singing about her personal life and even mentioning people’s names. She made personal narratives into songs. The new path she created made country music mainstream…

Someone told me her concerts sell out within a matter of seconds!

Back to my point: When you hate your job, you start thinking work is a chore, when actually work is a blessing.

I think the secret to happiness is having meaningful work, meaningful relationships, and fun things to look forward to.

Some people put all their eggs in one basket, hoping that a career will fulfill them. Alone, it cannot.

Others put all their eggs in the relationship basket, hoping that this guy or this girl will help them reach a state of perpetual bliss…

The truth is, neither, on their own can carry that weight of being the ONLY source of joy.

And when your work is not meaningful, and you’re not doing anything to change that, it creates misplaced pressure on your relationships to fulfill you in a way that they weren’t meant to.

If you are a subscriber on my RSS feed who also wants to build an online business but has just been procrastinating, READ THIS! (warning: explicit)

————————————————————————————————-
inspiration for this article’s content:

wisdom from King Solomon:

Eccl 2:24-There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God…

3:13-also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.

5:18-Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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If you haven’t heard this yet, you’re in for a treat!

highlighted the advice applicable to this site!

Everybody’s Free
(to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ‘97… wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters,
throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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