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Monday, Jan 16, 2012

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Dusty and his partner Tim, (right and left) at our “Hanukkah and Gingerbread House Contest Party”

Do you guys remember these two posts, one about not maintaining a friendship with a woman who you’re romantically interested in, and the other showing a video about men who stick around thinking they will get somewhere beyond friendship but their female friends are just happy with the situation as it is?

I just wanted to give you my take on friendships with the opposite sex. As you know from reading this blog, my opinions are generally not mainstream.

I think that men and women can be friends. I just think that it’s a waste of time.

Before you start going ballistic, give me a chance to explain my reasons:

1. It’s a waste of time for a man who’s interested in a woman who is not interested:

    Men who try to be friends with women who they are actually interested in romantically don’t get themselves any closer to the goal by continuing that friendship because women are getting their number one need met (emotional support) from the man without the man getting what they want (the romantic connection). Read the first article above to get more details on this.

    You’ll see guys who are blown away that their female friend all of a sudden shows interest in another man. She starts crushing on another guy and then he has to hear about it. He starts wondering,

    Well why doesn’t she like me? Why does she like this new guy instead when I’ve been here all along?

    And to that I say it’s because a woman does not “fall in love” by having her emotional needs met. She “stays in love” by having her emotional needs met. But the initial attraction comes from a man’s assertive pursuit, him making her feel wanted and desired. Giving the emotional support without FIRST making her feel desired, wanted, does not ignite her sexuality. It just makes her feel emotionally satiated. Like settling into a warm blanket when you’re cold as opposed to the reaction the guy really wants: igniting in her a fierce, hot, passion for him.

    Read this letter a girl wrote to her “nice guy” male friend.


2. If you’re married, it could be detrimental.

    I’m not opposed to men and women being friends. I just find that being married, I don’t really desire male friendships. (except for my gay guy friends! Like Dusty and Tim above!) Maybe it’s because it really makes it uncomplicated for my husband and I. He has no close female friends ( I fill that void 100%) and I have no close male friends (he fills that void 100%). Oh, we also each have siblings of the opposite sex, so that might be another reason.

    Besides the fact that we have committed to never air out our dirty laundry to others and instead confide in each other, because neither of us has close friendships with the opposite sex, I also have that added confidence that when we have problems, he’s not going to another woman, and he has the confidence that I’m not going to another guy.

      Why it’s hard on your marriage when your closest friends are of the opposite sex:

    I had a friend in high school and college whose husband’s best friend was a woman. It caused all sorts of problems for their marriage. Every time they had issues, he would go running to his female best friend, who happened to be single, beautiful and secretly in love with him. Of course by confiding in her, he was not really getting constructive advice. He was getting an accomplice, someone who was just telling him his wife was wrong and completely taking his side.

    I know this doesn’t happen to all couples, I’m just saying that in my marriage, the fact that my inner circle of friends are all women (oh with the exception of a couple long distance male friends who used to be coworkers and old family friends who I hardly ever talk to) and Nate’s buddies are all men, it is just a comfort to both of us.

      Another thing I do as a safeguard for my marriage:

    I’m even committed to never spend time alone outside of work with another man who I am attracted to. Even if it is super innocent. I just try to put myself in my husband’s shoes, and I wouldn’t want him doing that with another attractive woman.

    Every decision I make, big or small, is directly related to how it will positively or negatively impact my marriage. And having male friends? I just think that there is a greater chance of it negatively impacting my marriage than positively impacting my marriage.

    There is barely enough time for me to devote to my female friends as it is, so I just don’t even try to make male friends.


3. It’s a waste of time if you’re a man or a woman who ever plans on getting married.

    Maybe you’re asking, what if I’m not married yet?

    If you’re a single guy with close female friends, when you get married, how do you think your wife will feel when you hang out with these friends— dining with them, talking about life and work and family, going out to movies, going to wine festivals? Basically, dating them! Or the more telling question, how would you feel if your wife did all those things with other men?

    What if you’re a single girl?

    In my twenties, as a single girl, I decided I didn’t want to invest in male friendships because I knew that I wouldn’t have that kind of closeness to a guy once one of us got married. I’m assuming it’s not an easy task being a close female friend of a married man, and out of respect for a man’s wife, not something I would want to do anyway.

    Also, as a single woman, maintaining a friendship with a guy who’s interested in you romantically (without your reciprocal interest) has the possibility of 1. Leading him on, or 2. Monopolizing his time when he could be pursuing other women.

    I did have a close male friendship with a guy at one point when I was single before I made this decision, with him formerly interested in me (I was not interested) and with him doing all the pursuing in the friendship. When he got married, I hardly ever heard from him, and this is a good thing in my opinion.

    That’s why I don’t invest in friendships with the opposite sex. Because it’s an investment that I know will be lost in the end. To me, men are for mating and women are for friendships, but that’s just what has worked in my life.

Readers, what do you think? Do you invest in close relationships with the opposite sex with no intention of moving it romantically?

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Saturday, Jan 14, 2012

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I’m working on an article about how to make your house a home:) In the meantime, check out this great sermon on relationships! It’s funny too!

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Monday, Jan 9, 2012

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I met my ex-hairdresser a while back at the local beauty college. I got a good deal at the beauty college, but she piqued my interest when she invited me to get services at a discount at her house. The only thing was that she would be doing her services illegally since she was not licensed to practice yet. I went along with it. She had great prices and even a great referral program. If I referred three people, I would get a free service! Then things started to go bad.

Eventually she increased her rates to the point that her rates were more than the college! And even worse yet, she didn’t tell me her rates increased by until I was already sitting in her seat. On top of that she lied to me and told me the long hair charge at the school was when it was actually only . The last string was her “expired” referral program. I referred two people to her within the past 8 months and had my last one lined up, but when I mentioned it to her, she suddenly informed me that she was no longer doing that referral program! I thought that was totally unfair, for one, because she never told me that there was any kind of expiration, and for two, even if she had, I wish she had the work ethic and the courtesy to allow me to refer my last client since I had already referred two.

This got me thinking about fairness. And I wanted to hit myself over the head out of stupidity.

How can I expect someone who is doing services illegally to treat me fairly?

I was enabling her to work illegally, yet I was expecting her to treat me fairly?

This experience made me think about men and women who date married people.

Hypothetical Scenario

Lets say Jan dates Chad, a married man. Chad cheats on his wife and then ends up divorcing his wife. Then Jan and Chad start dating exclusively.

Now being in Jan’s position, I don’t think I could ever trust Chad to be faithful because if he wasn’t trustworthy or loyal to his wife who he made a lifetime promise to, why should Jan be any different?

There are people who are trustworthy, faithful and loyal, and then there are people who are not. Chad has proven he is of the latter group of people.

So why would anybody want to be “the other woman/man?”

Like my experience with my hairdresser, (expecting someone doing something illegally to treat me fairly)…

you can’t expect someone who demonstrates unfaithfulness to show faithfulness just because you came into the picture.

My Experience

Before Nate and I started dating, Nate found out that I was on myspace. At the time, he was still with his long term girlfriend. Even though things were not really working out between them, he refused to even “friend” me on myspace just because he was in a relationship.

You know, at the time, if he would have befriended me on myspace while he was in a relationship, in the back of my mind, I wouldn’t have felt right about it, just because we were never just “friends.” We have only associated with each other romantically so even if I probably would have accepted his friend request (if he had sent it) I would have honestly lost a little respect for him….

Why You Should Make a Clean Break from Your Relationship BEFORE Starting Another

And just because he didn’t even friend me while he was in a relationship…

1. I have SOOOOO Much respect for him.

2. AND, now that we’re married, I have so much TRUST in him because he made a clean break before he ever connected with me in any way.

My point? If you want to be with someone faithful, loyal and trustworthy, you’re never going to find that in a person who’s cheating to be with you.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Sunday, Jan 8, 2012

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Back in college something happened to my older brother that made him realize this very fact:

Women are attracted to men of status.

At first glance, you might think that women who are attracted to men of status are the same kind of women who marry old, dying rich men just to secure their fortune once their pace maker stops.

But I am here to give you the hard truth.

All women are attracted to men of status.

Here’s why:

1. Women only fall in love with men they respect, and status puts you in a “respectable” position in society.

    Even the most famous wife of all time (The Proverbs 31 wife) was attracted to status. This is proof that the appeal of status is not reserved for just your average lowly gold digger. The Proverbs 31 wife was an outstanding character, a woman many men want to marry, and a woman revered by many wives and wives to-be.

    You think the entire chapter was just about her Uh-mazing qualities, but if you read closely, it mentions her husband!

    Proverbs 31:23

    “Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

    … which says something about being with a great woman. Amazing women want to be with respected, respectable men. Plain and simple.

    Maybe you know some loser of a guy who has a hot girlfriend. She’s fed up with his loserish ways but never leaves him. You’re thinking, What about that guy? And I’m telling you, she may be with him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s attracted to him. She’s probably LOSING her attraction for him! Women hold onto relationships like a bad habit sometimes. Sometimes it’s being codependent. Sometimes it’s the fear of being alone. Sometimes you’re just afraid of the unknown. It could be many things, but it is definitely not because she’s head over heels wanting-to-jump-on-a-couch like Tom Cruise kinda attraction.

2. Leadership is hot.

    Women are attracted to men who take risks and who dive into responsibility. You know what’s NOT attractive? A man who’s only goal in life is to please you. Women want to know you have other hobbies, other goals, other ambitions. And in those ambitions, if you step up to the plate and take the risk and the responsibility of leading others toward a goal, it’s just THAT much hotter. Think of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Women have their eye on the leader of the pack! He is the alpha male and the MAN among men. If other men look up to you, it’s hot! It says something about your character when other men want to follow your lead. Again, it shows respectibility. And nothing is hotter than a man who can gain our respect.

3. Status creates a platform. Women notice. And that causes other women to notice.

    So being in a position of status means that men look up to you or follow your lead, yes?

    At the same time, women also take notice.

    Let’s go back to my brother, Dee. One semester in college, being relatively unknown, he started pursuing women with no luck. Fast forward one semester later when he became Religious Vice President of the entire university. Women started taking notice. He started having a little “following.” When you have a couple women start thinking you’re cool, their friends start taking notice. And that effect has everything to do with status. Soon enough, he realized that women were starting to get really “friendly” with him. Women started obviously crushing on him.

    It’s that same effect that you see even in the blogosphere. When you visit a site that has no “following,” you may become interested, you may not. But when you go to a site that has a huge following, immediately you start thinking, Hmmm, there must be something cool about this blog. Let me stick around to check out what others already have concluded is worth following.

    And this same phenomena happens with men of status. They have a platform for others to take notice, and popularity breeds more popularity. That’s just the nature of the beast, which leads me to my last point:

4. Women are attracted to “likability.”

    Women instinctively know that the identity of the man they are intimately associated with will be read by others as part of her own identity.

    Think of the First Lady. Or Princess Kate Middleton. In these extreme cases, they have a position of respectability merely because they are married to men of status.

    Women want to be loved and adored by men, but women want to be respected, liked and admired by other women.

    In a way, status just shows likability by a large group of people. Women are naturally socializers because we are the “cooperative,” “community oriented” gender.

    Because of this, women want men who have a network of associates. She wants to have parties to go to, dinner parties to host. She wants to mingle in society. In order to do that, she has to be with someone who others know and like. Status provides all of this.

    She’s more likely to date the guy who has male friends instead of the hermit.

    I know status matters to women because deep down we just want to be with someone we can respect. When others have given a man honor and recognition by giving him a title or a position, it is just valid, tangible proof that a man has respectibility.

    In my dating history, I’ve noticed that I have gravitated to men of power, status, social standing, leadership positions.

    I have dated the college peer choir director. I’ve been attracted to the band leader. I married a general foreman. I dated a guy who became the sheriff. I crushed hard on the unattainable missionary leader who every woman in my university wanted.

    What does status say of a man?

    • It says, “I’m doing something with my life and people are noticing.”
    • It says, “I’m not lazy.”
    • It says, “I’m responsible.”
    • It says, “I’m respectable.”
    • It says, “I’m likable.”
    • It says, “People have put their confidence in me.”
    • It says, “I work hard to get recognition and to make a difference.”
    • It says, “I make good use of my time.”
    • It says, “I’m ambitious.”
    • It says, “I know what I want, and I’m willing to work hard for it.”
    • It says, “I’m socially adept and intelligent.”
    • It says, “I am confident in my abilities and skill.”

    Remember how I always say confidence is the HOTTEST trait of all time?

Guys, do you see? What’s NOT to love about these messages?

Ladies, can you relate to any of the points I’ve made? Have you noticed yourself becoming attracted to men of status?

Guys, have you ever experienced the effect that status has on attracting women?

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Saturday, Jan 7, 2012

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My gift to you!

What does happiness have to do with dating and relationships? Everything.

I believe generally that happy people find themselves in happy relationships.

What do I mean by happiness?

Happiness is not some fleeting feeling. When I speak of happiness, I’m talking about a deep seated contentment. A joy that is internal that cannot be shaken. Does this mean you’ll never have bad days? No. It just means that when you look at the bulk of your life, you choose to see the best in all your circumstances and thus your “happy” days outweigh your “depressed” days.

Why do I feel qualified to write about happiness? All I have is my life. All I can share is what works for me. Can I be bold enough to say that I’m one of the happiest people I know? I wake up happy the majority of my days, and my heart is filled with gratitude for my life and all the people in it. That’s why I want to share the things I do that I believe contribute to my happiness.

So if you believe this is enough reason to continue reading, let me share with you my secrets!

I turned 30 January 4. The day was wonderful. I woke up and lounged around the house, then enjoyed some vegetarian Chinese food and taro boba tea with 3 friends at Cafe Happy. Then we enjoyed hour long body massages at Footopia. Later that evening, I met with family and Nate for Taiwanese food at Facing East. (I highly recommend this place! My sister-in-law’s boyfriend is Taiwanese and says it’s authentic and good!)Aside from the pictures below, we also had bitter melon with eggs, fried milkfish and oyster mushrooms! OMG it was a feast!

Okay, now that I’ve thoroughly whet your appetite for some Taiwanese food and gone off on a tangent… Let’s get to the list!

1. Get the thankfulfor app on your phone.

    It’s my New Year’s resolution to write 5 things I’m thankful for before I get out of bed every morning. So far, I have noticed that I am a happier person just for adding this little routine into my daily schedule! If you wake up and your first thoughts are positive, good things and you count your blessings, I think it sets the stage for positive thinking all day long. I know it has worked for me!

    The app is so easy to use. You just press the + button, add the thing you’re thankful for and press “post.” It also has public thanks so you can read what other strangers are thankful for in real time and gratitude quotes to inspire you.

2. Take Omega 3 supplements

Here’s what I take: ProNutrients Omega 3, 100-Count

    Besides the fact that I don’t think anyone has anything bad to say about omega 3s, it’s just proven that it helps with moods! I’m a believer… and it’s an added plus that I know I’m treating my skin and my heart well.

3. Separate your appearance from your value and worth as a person.

mirror image

    I wrote about that here. This has been the most breakthrough belief change I’ve gone through and it has really made me a happier person!

4. Don’t wait until the weekend to see your friends.

    Seriously? Why wait until the weekend? I’m a huge fan of getting together on or around hump day. Women need community. Men need it too, but I think not in the same way as women do. Just getting together and sharing stories and laughing about stupid stuff, this kind of regular interaction really nourishes our souls. Seriously! When I can’t see my friends during the week, I have one of my best girl friends on speed dial so I’m chatting away while I’m doing laundry or organizing my closet. If not that, I’m sharing funny texts with friends!

    “What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. quotes (American Writer, b.1922)

5. Find your good addiction.

    There are a whole range of bad addictions: alcohol, drugs, food, pornography, hoarding material things, hoarding animals, to name a few off the top of my head.

    You probably know your bad addiction, your “vice,” the thing you turn to for comfort, relief or escape from a hard or boring reality.

    Mine is food.

    There are also good addictions. I have discovered mine to be happy music, dance and writing. Do you know yours?

    I was obsessed with this song for a whole summer!

6. Have lots of sex! And have it often!

    Ready for some over share? Semen has serotonin! Yay! Got this quote from the article, Does Semen Make Women Happy?

    It (sperm) makes up approximately 3% of the solution, but the rest of the seminal fluid has more than 4 dozen other chemicals. One of which is serotonin: The main neurotransmitter in antidepressants like Prozac Lexapro, Zoloft and Paxil. But wait—other mood enhancing chemicals are also present, like oxytocin, the “love hormone, “ which has been linked to such things as orgasm, social recognition, maternal instincts and anxiety reduction.

    Curious to read more? Here’s another article, An ode to the many evolved virtues of human semen from the Scientific American Journal.

7. Don’t just let life happen to you, take the reins and MAKE PLANS.

    This was taken from the Happiness Project, and worthy of reflection!

    Well, for now, I’ll just say that the Third Splendid Truth is: there are four stages for enjoying a happy event:
    – anticipation (looking forward to it)
    – savoring (enjoying it in the moment – remember to turn off your cell phone!)
    – expression (sharing your pleasure with others, to heighten your experience)
    – reflection (looking back on happy times – so take pictures)

    Anticipation is a key stage; by having something to look forward to, no matter what your circumstances, you bring happiness into your life well before the event actually takes place…

    Everyone should be able to pull out a calendar and see at least a few fun things scheduled in the future weeks.

    If your life is a parade of obligations, dreaded tasks, horrible encounters, and mandatory appearances, take a minute to figure out something that YOU would find fun, and make time for it. And don’t forget — just because something is fun for someone else doesn’t make it fun for you.

    What am I anticipating and excited about as of late? This weekend out with my sister-in-law, her boyfriend and Nate checking out my first Gastropub…

    Tuesday trying out a new airobics class,
    Trampolinin' 08

    and my birthday gift to myself coming in the mail this week: Body Back Buddy Trigger Point Massager

    There’s something about trying new things with old buddies that makes for a happy existence:)

8. Focus on people instead of accomplishments, goals, money, and possessions.

    You’ve probably heard this quote before:

    “It has been said that we need just three things in life: something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.”

    We’ve already covered the “something to look forward to” part. Now for the “someone to love” part. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, I’m sure you know I’m a huge proponent of building a life around relationships, not just with your significant other, but with friends and family. There is a reason why solitary confinement is a form of torture, because we were created to be communal.

    I’m so excited to watch this documentary, about a millionaire who chooses the life of simplicity, moving from mansions to a mobile home, creating space in his life for the people and things he truly loves. I know I’ve posted about this before, but nonetheless, check it out if you haven’t already:

9. Do work that you enjoy.

    Onto the last part of that quote, “something to do.” Do you know how many times the wise King Solomon mentions work in his book Ecclesiastes? He repeats himself 3 times. When I realized this, something inside me just clicked. Work is important. Having something to contribute to the world, contribute to your income and how you provide for yourself and your family, this is a blessing. The lazy man, the man without purpose, the selfish woman, the woman with only selfish ambitions? These are the sad people, the unfulfilled people. They are grasping after the wind coming up empty handed.

    King Solomon is famous and known as one of the wisest (if not the wisest) person to have ever lived.

    Here’s what he says about work:

    Eccl 2:24-There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God…

    3:13-also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.

    5:18-Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.

    I write because I love it. I write because I get into “creative flow” and forget about the clock. That’s one of the ways of knowing you’re in the right profession. I encounter resistance most days, but that is just part of the art. You can read about this phenomena in the book, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles, which I highly recommend for anyone in a creative profession!

    It is challenging and there are days where I don’t feel “inspired,” but the days that produce satisfying work make those days worth it.

    When I was working 40 hours doing retail, I didn’t have time to write. Nate and I talked about my situation after we paid off most of our major debts and now I only work 20 hours or less in retail so I can focus on my real calling. Has this made me a happier person? OMG YES!!!!

    Life is short, and our lot in life is to enjoy work, enjoy food and drink with the people we love. That is happiness.

10. Believe in God.

    Did you see this one coming? “Something to hope for…” If you ask me why I believe in God, you will be surprised at how silly my answer is. You can tell me there is no proof of his existence and it’s foolish to believe, and I will embrace the life of a “fool.” I will tell you, if there is proof, then there would be no need for faith. I would tell you that the reason why I believe in God, why I believe in Jesus is because it gives me hope for an afterlife. The reality of death in our existence is so real, that I couldn’t be at peace with my existence if I believed I would never see the ones I love after they passed or that I would become nothing after death.

    I need something to hope for that is beyond next weekend, the next decade, the next century. And you tell me, well what if, at the end of it all, it’s not true? And I would tell you, well, I have not lost anything by believing.

    And then I would tell you, but what if it is true? You, the one who chooses to not believe, will have lost out on eternity. And I, just by simply believing, will have gained eternity. It’s just a matter of weighing out my losses versus what I could gain.

    Did you know that there is more historical proof of Jesus than Julius Caesar? Jesus said he is God. There’s only two ways to react to this. You can’t say he’s just a great person. He is either crazy (Think David Koresh) or he is telling the truth.

    I choose to believe the latter.

    Your turn to dig: Once upon a time there was an atheist who set out to prove that Jesus was not real. Instead, through his thorough research, he became a believer. You can read about his story in The Case for Christ: A Journalist’s Personal Investigation of the Evidence for Jesus

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Saturday, Dec 31, 2011

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Persistence will get you everywhere in life.

Can you apply what Will Smith is saying to your pursuit of a woman?

She may have other suitors. Suitors who are more intelligent, funnier, richer, more charming, more talented…

but you can win her heart with something even more powerful than all those above…

With persistence.

It happens all the time! Just got this excerpt from Self magazine:


    Then there’s my husband. When we met, I immediately thought,”He’s not the guy I’ve been dreaming of!” But he was so persistent and we clicked so well that I found myself thinking “Who cares if he doesn’t have a Ph.D in literature or shockingly defined abs? he has pretty well-shaped calves for an unemployed actor who likes to lie on the couch for eight hours every Sunday. And, yes, he wears ratty sweatpants, but when he sits at the table, you can’t even see them. Did I feel bad compromising on all these dreams? No. i felt liberated.

Or listen to this girl (start at 7:29)

“The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.”

Albert Ellis quotes (American Psychologist and Writer, b.1913)

Have a lovely weekend!

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Tuesday, Dec 27, 2011

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You know this famous Christmas song?

Guys, listen up! You know that girl you’ve been secretly crushing on forever? You know how you’ve been waiting for the perfect time to ask her out on a date?

NOW is the time to make your move!

Why?

Why You Need to Ask Her Out on a New Year’s Eve Date

Because NO SINGLE WOMAN wants to be alone on New Year’s Eve. It’s almost as bad, if not worse than being alone on Valentine’s Day. At least on Valentine’s Day, it’s a holiday so blatantly commercialized and promoted for couples that there are parties dedicated to hating Valentine’s Day. You can rant all you want on Valentine’s Day. Sometimes your dad even sends you flowers to make you feel better (mine did when I was single! I love you daddy!) You can gather with all your other single girl friends and make a day out of it.

But for New Year’s Eve, and that silly little countdown to a new year, every single girl is reminded that she is starting the new year alone.

Scenario 1: What She’s Going to Do On New Year’s Eve

Maybe she went along with everyone’s plans and she’s at a party with her coupled friends. Everything is hunky dory. It’s all about the champagne, the goofy hats, the snacky food, UNTIL it’s countdown time and she looks across the room at her best friend sitting on her fiance’s lap ready to kiss him when the countdown ends. Everyone seems to be coupled except for her. Her only option for a New Year’s kiss is that creepy guy with googly eyes across the room who she’s been trying to dodge all night. Now he’s making it very clear that he’s available for the countdown kiss.

or…

Scenario 2: What She’s Going to Do on New Year’s Eve

Maybe she remembered this party from last year and decided she’s just going to make the countdown in her PJ’s, celebrating the New Year with her long time buddies Ben and Jerry. Except she’s just as lonely, thinking, “Why am I still single again on New Years?”

GUYS, this is your time to shine. This is your time to secure a date. Do it! I’d be bold enough to say that New Years Eve is the day that women are the most willing (read: desperate) to secure a date, even if you are not their first choice. Even if they are still hung up on their ex. Even if they are happy being single. Just make sure to take them to some kind of party or get-together so she feels safe being around other people, especially if you two are practically strangers. So what are you waiting for?

How to Ask Her Out for a New Year’s Eve Date:

Ask her if she has plans for New Years Eve. If she doesn’t, tell her, “I’d be honored if you’d be my date for New Years. My buddy is throwing a party….As she contemplates this possibility, throw it out: You know you don’t want to be alone when the ball drops!”

And smile. Look her straight in the eye. Smiling and looking her straight in the eye shows confidence.

What to Say if She Say’s “No”

If she says no, then just tell her, “Well whoever gets to spend New Years Eve with you is a lucky guy. I’m going to give you my number in case you change your mind. Have a great day.”

That way it doesn’t look like you are affected by the rejection (also shows confidence) and maybe she’ll be thinking about you that day, how cool, calm and confident you were. Even if she says “no” at least you know she’ll be thinking she could have been on a date instead of being alone on New Years! And it will get her more curious about you. I never advise men to give out their number (men should ask for a woman’s number) but this case is the exception because at the last minute she might change her mind! If she calls you last minute, just assume she changed her mind, don’t make her feel bad by saying something like, “Ah, so you changed your mind!” Instead just answer the phone and say, “Where do you want me to pick you up?” That shows confidence too:) It also gets the ball rolling in the direction of flirtation cuz she’s going to be like, “Wow, presumptuous are we?” and you can just ignore it and be like, “You’re going to have fun.”

How to Know if You Can Ask Her Out Again

If she doesn’t change her mind last minute, when you see her again, if she smiles and makes eye contact, that’s a good sign. If she avoids eye contact and doesn’t smile, not a good sign. But if she smiles and looks at you, then approach her again! Just come up to her and say, “Hey, how about that date?”

Don’t let one little “no” get you down. You will know if she can be won over if she smiles at you or looks you in the eye after your first interaction.

If you don’t believe me that it’s okay to keep pursuing after an initial rejection, just listen to Aaliyah:

Here are the lyrics:)

[Timbaland:]
It’s been a long time (long time)
I shouldn’a left you (left you)
Without a dope beat to step to (step to)

It’s been a long time (time)
We shouldn’a left you (left you)
Without a dope beat to step to (step to)
Baby girl

[Aaliyah:]
What would you do to get to me?
What would you say to have your way?
Would you give up or try again
If I hesitate to let you in?
Now would you be yourself or play your role?
Tell all the boys or keep it low?
If I say no would you turn away?
Or play me off or would you stay? Oh

(Chorus)
And if at first you don’t succeed
Dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again
Try again
‘Cause if at first you don’t succeed
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again
Try again

I’m into you, you’re into me
But I can’t let it go so easily
Not ’til I see what this could be
Eternally or just a week
You know our chemistry is off the chain
It’s perfect now but will it change?
This ain’t a yes this ain’t a no
Just do ya thing we’ll see how it go. Oh
off and try again
Try again

See you don’t wanna throw it all away
I might be shy on the first day
What about the next day?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
I said you don’t wanna throw it all away
I might be buggin’ on the first day
What about the next day?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Tuesday, Dec 27, 2011

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Okay Gentlemen, this post is for you! This post could also be titled, “How to make women smile.” I love when men know how to flirt! My husband and I still flirt and it’s wonderful. Just because you live with someone doesn’t mean you can’t still look at them with googly eyes and let them know through your words, your looks and your touch that you are not having kosher thoughts about them:)

But, this post is for the flirtation that happens at the beginning. Before you even know if she’s interested, or in that time period where you are trying to make it clear to her that you’re interested, even if she is not so sure about you. Maybe you’ve become texting buddies. Maybe you’re starting to feel like you’re in the friend zone because you’re going out together but she’s not warming up to the idea of going on an actual date, let alone giving you any kind of romantic affection.

First, THIS is why it’s important to keep it always flirtatious:

By keeping it always flirtatious, you are giving the woman no room to settle you into the friendship zone. A woman who does not see a man romantically will not be able to maintain a full on flirtatious friendship. If she cannot see you romantically, she will be turned off and uncomfortable with all the flirtation you are dishing. THIS IS A GOOD THING. She won’t be able to keep dodging your flirtations and she will be so uncomfortable that she won’t even want to maintain a friendship. It weeds out those women who can never be won over and it gets the ones that can be won over into the frame of mind that your intentions are NOT platonic.

Which leads me to this very important question:

How do you know when you are flirting?

You know you’re flirting if there is A CHANCE THAT YOU ARE MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE. If there’s no chance that you’re making her uncomfortable, then you’re playing it too safe and not taking a risk. Also, if you’re feeling a little corny or uncomfortable yourself, you’re on the right track!

Remember there’s always room for more flirting. YOU CANT FLIRT ENOUGH. Every time you interact with your love interest, it needs to be clear that you see her as more than a friend.

How do you sneak in flirtation all the time? When she says something, say corny stuff like, It’s cuz you’re beautiful.

Other ideas for flirting:

Compliment anything above her shoulders. Her graceful neck, her sexy voice, her laughter that’s like the call of the sirens, her piercing or smoldering eyes, her beautiful smile, her gorgeous hair…

If you have a chance to see her hands, tell her how feminine and graceful they are.

If you have touched her skin, tell her how soft and silky her skin is.

Tell her her laugh is a drug.

Ask her, “Has anyone ever told you you have such a sexy phone voice? You do.”

Tell her you miss her or miss any of the above things.

Tell her when she speaks she is so animated that she lights up the room. Tell her that you’re drawn to her face like an audience is drawn to a starlet on the screen.

Tell her you haven’t been able to keep her off your mind.

Tell her what’s on your mind. All the things you think (that are PG), SAY IT ALOUD.

With flirtation there is risk of rejection but at least you know and she will always know what the main goal is! Don’t even give her a chance to think any kinds of silly thoughts like, “I think of you as a brother,” or “I only see you as a friend.”

THOSE kinds of statements are from women who haven’t been flirted with enough.

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Wednesday, Dec 21, 2011

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You don’t.

After thinking about this all day, I’ve decided as of right now (who knows if this will ever change) that there’s no way to give a man constructive criticism. Any form of criticism to a man from his woman is always viewed negatively.

All About Men

A man’s exterior may be very strong. He may appear very capable, and in many ways he is. But a man’s ego is very fragile. He can take constructive criticism from his boss, his mother, his grandmother, his buddy, but for some reason, when he hears it from his woman, it feels like a punch in the gut, like he’s somehow failed in a very terrible way.

A Woman’s Powerful Role

This is a hard position to be in if you’re a man’s significant other. You see, a man will never say this, but his woman holds the MOST power in determining how he views himself. This is partly because he cares about your opinion MORE than anybody else in the world.

It is also because he knows deep down that you are the one person in the world who knows him through and through, the good, the bad, and the very ugly. He knows everyone else just gets parts of him, but you get all of him. So when you say something negative, instead of it just coming across as some random person giving some random piece of criticism, he’s more likely to see it as the ultimate truth of who he is as a man.

The Question That Plagues EVERY Man

Basically, he has this question that needs to be answered. I think I read this from the book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, (I highly recommend this to all women! If you don’t have time to read, get the book on tape and listen to it on your daily commute:)

Anywho, the question that plagues a man his entire life is this:

    “Do I have what it takes to be a man?”

Everywhere he goes, everyone he comes in contact with, answers this question in the negative or the positive based on how they interact with him, based on if he feels that he is respected.

If he has guy friends who dig his company, they are reinforcing the “yes” to that question. If their boss says nice things about their work, it also gives him more reinforcement.

But, like I said, NONE of that matters really if a man comes home and doesn’t get that “yes” from his wife or girlfriend because her opinion is the one that truly matters.

So, I state this very important fact that a woman has THAT much power. Her words can truly, truly build him up to believe he is a respectable man and he “has what it takes,” or it can truly crush his spirit to the point where he goes out into the world failing at everything else just because the most important person doesn’t bring him up.

Okay, so, now back to constructive criticism.

I just wouldn’t do it. Guys have this ego thing where they really want to figure things out for themselves. They have to feel like a change is their idea.

Check out how this wife does it: (starting at 5:20)

She makes him think it’s his idea, and she gives him the credit. Wise woman.


First Method: Diversion

If you ever tell a man he has a stupid idea, he doesn’t hear that it’s a stupid idea. He hears that you think he’s stupid.

It may well be a truly stupid idea, mind you, but you never have to tell him that… (ahh to protect his fragile ego, as he protects our fragile hearts– they get their egos bruised easily in the same way a woman gets her feelings hurt easily)

If he tells you a stupid idea, and you call him out on it, he’s going to feel like his efforts for thinking of ideas are wasted. He’s going to lose motivation to keep trying to come up with ideas. So even though you didn’t call him stupid, only the idea, he reads it differently. It doesn’t matter if someone thinks that their criticism is constructive. What matters is how it’s viewed by the recipient.

What do you do instead?

You divert.

Baby, hmmm… I’m not sure…What do you think about this?

This way, you’re still giving the message “I value your opinion (“what do you think…”) but you’re not squashing his idea.

Second Method: Focusing on Your Feelings

It’s important not to avoid conflict, and it’s important that your man know how you feel, so if you’re dealing with something that involves an action you want changed, the key is to bring up the subject without focusing on his action. The key is to focus on your reaction to his action.

For example, the other night my friend was telling her boyfriend how she found the cause of her lamp turning off. She had switched off the GFCI outlet where her blowdryer was and the whole wall switched off.

Without any malice he said, “I told you not to do that.”

He was just trying to make the point that he remembered them already agreeing that they wouldn’t turn off the switch.

He didn’t realize it came across hurtful to her. She immediately took it as being scolded. How she read it was different than what he intended. Typically in a relationship, intentions are always good, but sometimes the good intention is lost in translation. It was a misunderstanding.

How a Woman Wants to Respond

If you feel attacked, typically a woman’s immediate reaction is to attack back. “Well, you don’t have to be so rude!” or “Well, exCUSE me! You don’t have to get an attitude!” or “I’m not your child! Don’t talk to me like that!” In addition, the volume also escalates…

and nothing makes a man feel more disrespected than a woman yelling at him.

In all of these reactions, the focus is on the man:

    “Well, you don’t have to be so rude!”

    “Well, exCUSE me! You don’t have to get an attitude!”

    “I’m not your child! (You) Don’t talk to me like that!”

How a Woman Can Respond by Focusing on her Feelings

So, my suggestion is instead of focusing on his action, (in this case the retorts are making the assumption that he meant to be “rude,” meant to “have an attitude” or meant to “treat you like a child.”) focus on how you felt in the situation.

This way, you are not making any assumptions and giving him the benefit of the doubt that his intentions were pure. (which in most cases this is true)

So, when her boyfriend said that to her, she looked at him and sadly said,

“I feel scolded.”

And her eyes started to water, because she’s like most women who get their feelings hurt easily.

Why This Method Works for Men

Telling a man how you feel does more than telling him what he’s doing wrong. It does more than pointing out his errors in judgement. It does more than giving him constructive criticism.

Why is this the case?

Because deep down, every man wants to be his woman’s hero. If he really truly loves you and cares for you, the last thing he wants to do is hurt you. So by sharing your feelings (how you’re hurt), his masculine response is to rush to your aid, to be your protector, to shelter you from pain, especially if that pain is caused by him.

So instead of him feeling disrespected, he feels useful and needed. Instead of his ears tuning out (that sometimes starts to happen with nagging and yelling) he’s all ears, ready to listen to every word you say.

A Man Needs to Feel Like a Leader in the Home

Also, know that no matter how “modern” your man is, no matter how pro-feminism he is, even if he views you as his equal, he still wants to feel like he has some kind of leadership in your relationship. Not in the sense that he wants to domineer over you, but in the sense that he feels like you trust his opinions.

Roles of People in a Relationship = Roles of People in a Car

You see, the roles of people in a relationship are like the roles of people in a car. The difference between passenger and driver isn’t about equality, it’s about different roles. Relationships, like cars, only have room for one driver. One leader. The passenger may help navigate, but ultimately, the passenger has to trust the driver to make the decision. Ultimately the driver has the last say.

I truly believe that relationships with this dynamic of man as driver and woman as passenger work best. One of my friends doesn’t agree with this “guy has the last say” method. I asked her, “Well, what if you both disagree on a major decision and you have to make that decision? Who will have the last say?”

Her response was, “We just won’t make that decision.” And don’t think that’s really realistic. There will come a point in every relationship where you will not agree on something, and both of you will feel equally strong about your reasons, and either the woman or the man has to yield.

An Example from My Parents

For example, when I was young, my parents disagreed on whether my mom should go to the United States as an RN during the big nurse draft in the 80′s. If she went, my parents knew they could provide a better future for us here. But, it would mean that my mom would be apart from my dad and me for 2-3 years while my dad worked on getting his visa. She didn’t want to leave me at 3 years old and be separated from me for that long at such a crucial bonding time in my childhood.

This is an example of a decision that HAD to be made. She would have to go and let my dad have the last say, or she would stay and my dad would have to yield.

By deciding to go, she was giving the message to my dad: “I don’t agree, BUT I trust you to lead our family.”

Giving a man your trust is a way of telling him that you respect him.

Third Method: Changing Your Statements Into Questions

There are ways of usurping his leadership. If you say, “We’re not doing that,” you’re in fact sending the message, “I’m the leader here. You can step down and I’ll take over from here because you’re not doing your job well.”

Instead, you can say, “Can we not do that?” The question version invites him into the team, telling him, “I’m not digging the idea but I won’t force my opinion unless you’re on board.” Ultimately it’s reassuring him: “Your opinion still matters.” The first phrase says, “Your opinion doesn’t matter. I’m doing this with or without you.”

So readers, I’ve rambled on and on long enough. Are there any other situations where diversion, focusing on your feelings or changing statements into questions do not apply?

Love to hear!

Dating Advice From A Girl

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Sunday, Dec 18, 2011

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According to Nothing Like the Holidays: (haha, ignore the scantily clad gentleman!)

What do you guys think? Have a great weekend!

Dating Advice From A Girl

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